Have you ever wondered if the life you've created for yourself is really the one you want? I have.
Not that it's a problem. I think we often learn by contrast. We discover who we are through a series of experiences. Sometimes we have to find ourselves in situations where we feel out of place, only to be guided into other situations where we feel more like ourselves.
At the moment, the Sun is completing its passage through the sign of Leo. Tomorrow, August 22, it arrives in the sign of Virgo. The Sun in Leo invites us to connect deeply with our heart, with what makes us feel alive. It invites us to connect with what moves us and express it in the world. On August 4, a new moon in Leo ushered in a new cycle in our lives, one in which we are invited to remove the masks we wear that prevent us from expressing ourselves authentically in the world.
Natally, my Sun is in Leo. When I look at my past, I can see that I've worn many masks, to keep myself from showing my true face. To not really express my true nature. It's vulnerable to express our deepest essence. It's vulnerable to present ourselves in the world, without hiding.
I recently turned 28. My last year was a time when I dropped several masks I'd been wearing for a long time. I'd worn them for so long that I'd forgotten they didn't really belong to me. Removing these masks had many consequences in my life. I experienced a lot of anxiety. Many fears surfaced. It wasn't for nothing that I'd been wearing them for so long. They had a function: to keep me safe. However, my desire for security was now weaker than my desire for expression. These masks protect us from the pain of rejection, but they also act as dams on the current of life that seeks to flow through us. Rather than allowing it to flow freely, masks block it, suffocating it, letting it flow in small trickles.
When I entered high school, I had to choose a program. I followed my sister's example and went into the music program. However, my second choice was the musical theatre program. In retrospect, I realized that if I had really listened to my heart, I would have gone into that program. But I didn't go. Since my sister had already been there, the other path seemed safe. It wasn't the one that called to me, it wasn't the one with the most risk. In choosing it, I didn't need to overcome the fear of feeling vulnerable and experiencing the challenges that come with choosing a lively but risky path. And I can understand why I didn't choose it. At that point in my life, my security and comfort were more important than my need to feel fully alive.
Going back in my memories, I think another event tipped the balance in favor of safety. I had to audition for the musical comedy program, even though it was my second choice. During my audition, I performed a song that was rather difficult to sing. It was risky, but I loved it. That's why I chose it. After my audition, I remember feeling proud of myself. My performance hadn't been perfect, but I'd done it. I'd taken a risk and I felt alive. Later that day, I had run into two young people who were part of the musical comedy group. I heard them singing my song badly on purpose. I never found out whether it was an imitation or a joke that had nothing to do with my audition, but at the time, part of me doubted, was scared, felt hurt. And when I was accepted into the other program, I said yes. I hid my desire to sing deep inside me. So deeply, in fact, that I only recently reconnected with it.
This lunar cycle in Leo is characterized by the fact that Mercury began its retrograde period just after the new moon, on August 5. Mercury, when retrograde, helps us revisit the past. It allows us to connect deeply with ourselves, bringing to the surface of our consciousness elements we may have forgotten. During periods of Mercury retrograde, our reactions to the events going on around us provide us with a great deal of information, enabling us to get to know ourselves better and access our unconscious. These periods often bring discomfort and the unexpected, as we are confronted with material from our unconscious that can be irritating, disconcerting, showing us a side of ourselves we usually prefer to ignore. Mercury retrogrades every three months, and these periods are always moments when he invites us to introspection.
For my part, Mercury helped me to excavate a memory from my youth that helped me to identify an old passion I'd left on the sidelines, for fear of not being good enough, for fear of really diving into what I love with vulnerability and risking suffering in the face of other people's judgments. Following this incident, I built a protective armor around myself. I decided that I wouldn't show others what was really important to me. I created a whole persona for myself during my teenage years, an attitude that I didn't give a damn about anything, when in fact that was far from the case. This attitude protected me from pain. I understand why I built it up. It got me through high school without too many injuries. It served its purpose.
However, I kept it for such a long time that I forgot that I was wearing it! It had become like a second skin. When I turned 26, I started to feel anxious all the time. I had a sensation in my chest that oppressed me and interfered with my breathing. I now understand that my body was telling me it was time to take off that armor. That it wasn't healthy to hide like this from myself and others. That the life that had long been blocked by the dam within me was now seeking to flow freely and express itself in my life. The year I turned 27, I made the decision to open the dam. I finished my Master's degree and dropped everything to start my career as an astrologer, then as an oracle. I chose life over security. My old mechanisms from the past expressed themselves for a while, causing me anxiety too, sending me warning signals that I was in danger if I showed myself as I was, unprotected. They wanted to protect me, but now I was choosing to live a life fully lived rather than one based on a desire for security. The past year has allowed me to re-educate myself to the fact that I no longer consider it a danger if I share with vulnerability what I hold dear. That yes, I may get hurt along the way, but that pain doesn't stop me. Because, at last, I feel alive.
So I've taken off many masks over the past year. However, this lunar cycle has asked me to go even further and see the masks I am wearing now, which continue to divert the flow of life within me. These masks are more discreet, less visible, all the more difficult to detect. I've come to realize that I've developed my service offering along the lines of what other people in my field offer, i.e. one-to-one services. Recently, I realized that if I'm radically honest with myself, that's not really what I want to offer. In my work, I started wearing this costume, because it was a reassuring model that I could see around me and that seemed to work. It made me feel secure as I embarked on this new path. However, at the moment, I'm realizing that it too is deflecting the current of life that's trying to express itself within me.
I wanted to share my process with you, honestly. I don't yet know what I want to express in myself, what I want to do. However, I do now know what I do not wish to continue. This is a liminal moment for me, a frightening in-between. I would never have the courage and confidence to face it if it weren't for my relationship with the invisible world and the animate forces around me. It's a conscious choice I make, to choose life over security. I'm also firmly convinced that it's only by choosing life that I can feel secure. And not a false security, based on protections and a desire for control in the face of the elusive and mysterious aspect of reality. Rather, a security based on the fact that when we open up fully to let life flow through us, without roadblocks, it offers us everything we need, and more. That it supports us more than we could ever have dreamed.
I invite you into my process as I test this hypothesis. I don't know what lies ahead, but I'm open to the possibilities. And one thing's for sure: I'm going to start singing again.
*****
For now, I'm putting my services on hold, until something inspires me enough to replace them. Thank you for being here! Thank you for participating with me in this process.
Comments