It has now been almost six months since I decided to close my services to embark on a journey of discovering what I truly wanted to offer to the world. The decision became clear to me during the full moon in Aquarius on August 19. Two days later, I announced the news and closed my services.
Taking this pause has been the best decision of my life. It was a gift I gave myself—the gift of time and space to truly observe what was present within me, what was longing to emerge. Not through the pressure to produce, but rather by taking the time to listen, to slow down. That’s not to say that this pause has always been enjoyable—it would be a lie. Slowing down brought many fears to the surface. Doubts, deep emotions that had never dared to show themselves because they never had the space to be welcomed.
This pause asked me to dive deeper into myself than I had ever gone before—and that’s saying something, because I have a Scorpio rising, and I know a thing or two about depth! This pause taught me to trust life, and more importantly, to trust myself. It taught me to ask for help when I needed it and to accept receiving it in return. It allowed me to heal my wounds of hyper-independence, of unbalanced masculine energy that kept me constantly in action, ensuring that I relied on no one but myself. It made me realize how much I was always waiting for the moment when all my dreams would come true, rather than appreciating the present moment and each step of the process.
This pause finally allowed me to slow down. To breathe. And to see the inhuman pace I had been keeping until then. It taught me to savor life, to embrace confusion, to stop running from the void and instead jump into it with both feet.
It was during Scorpio season that I finally stopped fleeing the void and turned to face it. This was two months after my break began. During the first two months, I kept telling myself that soon, ideas would emerge and my pause would end. I told myself, "Okay, you can take these two weeks off, but afterward, you’ll get back to work!" I was trying to control the process. And that only created more tension within me.
During Scorpio season, I spent three weeks in Abitibi with my boyfriend for the trapping season. I almost didn’t go because I thought that if I stayed in the city, maybe I would find “opportunities.” But once I made the decision to go, I realized that the very thought of not going was actually a sign that this trip was exactly what I needed. I believe a part of me was afraid of what I would discover within myself if I went.
At the beginning, I decided to embark on what I called a "Tarot Walk." I started with The Fool, on the day of my departure. My goal was to spend time with each major arcana, in order, to get to know them more personally. I initially thought I would share my experiences on Instagram, but I quickly realized that this experience was not yet ready to be shared. The beings of the major arcana of the Tarot accompanied me throughout my journey. And it was there, in the deep forest, that I truly let go of control over the process and surrendered myself to it.
Fortunately, I was not alone. My boyfriend was with me, the trees of the forest as well, my friends were accessible from a distance, allowing me to not be completely isolated. My ancestors, closer than ever, were also present, as well as my guides. The archetypes of the Tarot were an immense support, allowing me to dive into the unknown and free myself from barriers that were trying to protect me from the void. My dreams also were great allies. During this journey, I felt like I was living upside down, in the underground world, more connected with the realm of dreams than the waking reality. Daily tasks helped me maintain a stable routine—fetching water, gathering wood, making the fire, tidying up the small camp, preparing food. All of this grounded me, allowing me to plunge without expectations, without a deadline. To truly submit my will to the process and trust in its inherent intelligence.
For a moment, there, I burned everything metaphorically. I burned my attachment to my business, to my services; I burned my attachment to the desire to be understood. I became aware of the identity I had created around myself, one that was not truly mine—a personality based on academic values, focused on logic and perfectionism. I excavated desires buried so deep within me that I had forgotten their existence, and they whispered in my ear that my greatest dreams were to be an artist, to create, to share my relationship with spirituality, myths, dreams, and symbols, and to guide people on their own paths. These desires were terrifying to accept at first. Because little voices told me that I couldn’t be an artist, that I couldn’t sing because I had no formal training, that I didn’t draw well enough, that it was too late to start. That I couldn’t guide people in connecting with their dreams because I had never studied that field. These were the residual thoughts of that old identity from the past, haunting me, telling me that my value was the result of my degrees rather than my lived experiences and the wisdom they carried.
But I did not let them destroy the relationship that had just been reborn between my desires and me. I saw clearly that these were ideas from another paradigm, one I no longer belonged to. My philosophy now is to let nature be my teacher, to let life flow through me. I know that by following what excites me and ignites a fire within, life will teach me everything I need to know, step by step. No diploma can grant me access to the wisdom that arises from my experiences because I am not here to replicate what has been done—I am here to forge a new path. And this path will not be cleared solely by the force of my will and intellect. It will be opened by also incorporating trust, peace, gentleness, rest, pauses, and above all, a great deal of self-compassion.
When I returned from Abitibi this time, I was in no rush to take action. I had confronted the void, and it no longer scared me. Even though I had burned my attachments to everything I had built, I was not starting over from scratch—on the contrary. I realized that my work was one of refinement, ensuring that what I offered the world was not tainted by the pressure to perform or to give people what I thought they wanted rather than what I truly had to offer. And I knew it would take as long as it needed. The days continued to shorten upon my return. During Sagittarius season, I started to see glimmers of inspiration emerging, marveling at how the space created by diving deep during Scorpio season was now filling with new ideas, aligned with my essence. However, I knew they were not ready to be born, not yet. I understood that things would take the time they needed to take, ensuring they would take root on solid foundations.
In the darkness of the Solstice and Capricorn season, I continued to grant myself time and space. I kept building my foundations, notably through a meditation retreat that transformed my approach to my thoughts, emotions, and life path, reinforcing the realization that no two spiritual and human development journeys are identical. This retreat reinforced for me the importance of listening and rest as essential elements for integrating the wisdom gained from experiences.
In the depths of winter, I nurtured the seeds of ideas and inspiration that continued to sprout. I kept singing more often, sometimes recording myself. I painted, danced, played with dressing up. Last week, during a ritual connecting with my ancestors, I felt the desire to create a mini-oracle with messages from them, to guide me in my life. It happened naturally. It was beautiful, even if my watercolor was imperfect. I realize that for me, what I seek in creating is not perfection. It is expressing the life that flows through me, giving it form, honoring it. It is my soul’s expression merging with my body, co-creating together in gratitude for the Earth, which gave us form. It is an act of celebration for those who came before me and those who will come after me. For me, creating is allowing myself to be, without seeking to be different from who I am, fully valuing myself, here and now. I realize that for a long time, I locked myself into perfectionism, finding excuses not to create. That is no longer the case.
It was through this portal of creation that I found myself in my spiritual practice—a practice that is deeply rooted between the sky and the Earth. As a creatrix of bridges between worlds, I now know what I wish to share with the world. I want to support people in creating their own path, while helping them connect with assistance from the subtle realms to do so. This is why I have decided to offer personalized services that adapt to the emerging and ever-changing needs of each individual. These services are a space for co-creation, where we determine together the approach that best suits you during a free initial consultation. If you’d like to learn more, I invite you to write to me at tonpourquoi@gmail.com or on Instagram.
In addition to these personalized services, I will spontaneously offer various readings based on my inspiration. For now, until January 26th, I am offering a reading with Saturn to connect with its energy and explore the themes of this winter in your life. If you’d like to know more about this reading, you can also write to me.
Thank you for being here and for being part of my journey, of my process. Your attention is precious, and it is an honor for me to receive it. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me at tonpourquoi@gmail.com or send me a message on Instagram. I will be happy to respond!
With love,
Laurence
So powerful! Thank you for sharing the wisdom of your experience 🤩😍🥰🙏